Draw from the Well

Rumble Strip Relationships

This weekend Pastor Jon talked about repentance and the importance of having "rumble strip" relationships in our lives. 

Rumble strips are those grooves on the edge of the highway which signal to us when we are heading off the road.  The make a loud noise when our tire hits them and also cause the car to shake.

One point which really caught my attention was Pastor Jon's statement about the fact that rumble strips save you from hitting the guard rail.  Guard rails are also safety devices (they often keep you from tumbling off cliffs!), but if your car hits one of those, there is going to be major damage.  A rumble strip causes no damage, but saves you from getting into a situation where damage will happen.

How do rumble strip relationships work?  These are people in your life who know you well enough to see the signs of you "drifting" off the road.  They are also people who will make noise in your life and urge you to make a course correction.

I have several sets of rumble strip relationships in my life, but one of my favorites is my small group.  These girls and I have travelled a journey together.  We've been in various configurations of small groups for over four years.  There has been tons of laughter, tears, helping one another through fears and tough places.  As we have gotten to know one another and risked being real, we've come to a place where we can call one another to high standards of accountability.  It's a good and safe place!

Developing rumble strip relationships in your life isn't easy.  It takes effort and intentionality.  Yet don't dispair.  The best thing to do is to begin today.  Seek out a person or two and begin to build relationship.  Given this week's message, start with a conversation about "rumble strips" (use these questions to help you!) Remember that deep relationships take time.  To have good friends, you need to be a good friend.  Invite them for dinner every once in a while.  Allow the relationships to grow naturally. 

Over time, you will find that these relationships will help you to press in and keep going on your journey of faith.

Single Christmas Survival

There's nothing like a good ole fashion holiday to reinforce the fact that  you're single!  Amid the tinsel and toys, the decorated trees and cookies, this season can be one of the most difficult of the year for people who aren't coupled.

I've lived and heard a few horror stories over the years, from the numerous times relatives comment on and poo-poo your single state ("How come a nice girl like you hasn't found someone?  What's wrong with you?") to the sheer lack of presents at the family unwrapping time.

There is actually a lot of advice (mostly good) floating around on the internet, but I thought I would list a few ideas I've had over the years for surviving the holiday season.

1) Know yourself and make a plan.

It's worth taking some time to think through  your holiday schedule and life and ponder where will be difficult times and what you can do about them.  Knowing what's important to you will help you to reinforce and focus on those times, minimizing the times which might be harder or press buttons.

Thanksgiving is usually a bummer for me, so this year a small group of gals and I created a fun holiday weekend where we played and enjoyed the time away from family.  It was refreshing and fun.

2) Celebrate your own traditions.

A great way to minimize the difficulties of the holidays is to make sure that you can substitute your own positive traditions.  Don't like to decorate the house alone?  Rally your friends for a decorating party?  Thanksgiving dinner a drag?  Hold an alternative that captures the real meaning of thanksgiving for you to focus on. Don't feel like you get enough presents? Wrap a few special personal gifts for yourself and put them under the tree.

3) Count your blessings and seek to bless others.

Remember it's not all about  you.  Taking your focus off yourself can be one of the huge steps that propels you past depression into bliss.  How can you bless others during the holiday season?  This might be serving your family or serving at the local homeless shelter.  Rather than resenting the unaware couples in your life - appreciate them.  Don't fall into the trap of stewing over your own situation because it won't be helpful.

4) Hang in there - this too shall pass.

Making peace with your singleness is a yearlong, daily endeavor.  It's much bigger than the holidays.  It won't be Christmas forever.  Remember that your ultimate goal is to be happy and healthy no matter what state or stage of life.  Don't let the holidays overwhelm this endeavor.

Find a friend or couple to process through some of what  your experience and help you to make a plan to survive the holidays. 

Here are a few questions to help you begin the process:

• What tradition(s) is special to you and how will you celebrate it this season?
• Which time/event will be the most difficult for you during this season and who can help you process a success strategy?
• How can you serve your family this season?  The couples in your life?

What are ways you've found to survive singleness during the holiday season?

 

Three Things Singles Wish Married Couples Knew

After dialoguing for many years with many singles and many married couples, I've come to realize that there are some unspoken tensions that often exist in the communication between married couples and singles.  I'd like to expose the elephants in the room.

Two caveats:

1) I in no way assume that I speak for ALL singles. Just my humble opinions.

2) I have worked hard to make sure the tone of this blog is not bitter or angry.  Many couples fear that singles resent them because of the gift God has given them.  This should not be.  I resent neither my own gift of singleness nor the gift God has given to my married friends.  Yet my comments still ring true.

2) I limited myself to three things (there are more), and I know that a future blog will be things married couples wish singles knew.

Three things singles wish married couples knew:

#1.  If you married before you were 25, you don't know what it's really like to live a single life. 

Seriously.  It's okay that you don't, but stop trying to compare your experience with mine.  Many singles LONG to be married.  While there are many reasons why someone might not be married, this doesn't erase the heart break that is usually at the center of their journey.  When someone who married "young" tries to claim that they "understand" by uttering a comment like, "Yeah, I remember when I was 22 and thought I was never going to marry, but that spring I met Ralph and the rest is history...." I seriously want to unless my fists of fury on that person's head! (I hope this doesn't sound to "angry"...it's one of the few times I might get mad!)  Wanting to be married at 22 is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than wanting to be married at 28 or 35 or 42.  The best course of action is for married couples to listen and to seek to hear what is happening at the person's heart.  Don't compare your story with their story.  Their story is different than yours.  That's okay.  You can gain understanding through listening, but you haven't lived it.

#2.  Don't assume that because a person is single they have an excess of free time and money.

This is a tricky one.  I have only a little idea of what it means to have 4 children (I baby sat for a weekend!)  Stronger women than I are up to the task!  I know that a married family life is busy, busy, busy.  However remember that list of "role in married life" that you and your spouse divided up during your pre-marital counseling? As a single person, I didn't get to divide the list.  In my household I am responsible for: paying the bills, doing the shopping, cleaning, laundry, yard work, getting the oil changed...well, everything.  When I come home from work, no one has my dinner ready or has cleaned my house.  And because I'm single, this means I MUST work to support myself.  No dual incomes or a spouse who works so I can stay home.  Singles often worry about making ends meet. Costco doesn't usually work for us (bulk isn't price wise when you live alone.) Dreaming of owing a house and taking cool vacations can be difficult. 

The two tenants aren't always true.  I personally challenge the singles I know to not be selfish.  Some of us do have extra time and money.  Even as singles we are called to serve and give.  However, as a married couple, don't assume that every single person lives a cushy life.

#3.  Though our lives are different, we can be friends.  But it takes work.

I suspect that married couples are often freaked out by single people.  Couples seem to gravitate toward couples.  It makes sense; a table set for three can be awkward. And I know that every couple has had that one "bad" interaction with a bitter, angry, or weepy forlorn single that scared you off.  It's just so much easier to look for a couple with kids your own age and invite them over. But I wonder how many couples realize what a huge blessings single people can be to a family?  I am an intelligent conversationalist, I am an extra set of hands helping with dinner or corralling kids, I am an amazing "auntie" to the little ones around me...I bless the families I interact with.  I know that not every single person I know has quite developed capacities.  However, I believe that both singles and couples are too quick to give up on the possibilities.  Singles must seek to bless the couples and families they interact with (and this will require effort on their part.)  But couples should not be too quick to dismiss the possibility of real relationship and friendship with single people.  IT TAKES WORK.  And that is why I believe we give up too quickly.  Try it.  You will be surprised by how blessed you are!

So, I hope this didn't come off as a tirade (not my heart!)  What I want to know now is:

Married couples - what do you wish us single people knew about you?

Sad Day for Single Pentecostal Women

Just looking at the latest ARIS 2008 report and found this stat:

Gender composition in Pentecostal/Charismatic circles is 42% male and 58% female. 

Bad odds ladies!

The only category where men out numbered the women?

The "nones" category...those who hold to no belief system or don't believe.

Sigh.

Riding in Cars with Boys

This morning some thoughts were prompted after I read this post by Pastor Perry.  Some of you may have wondered what policies were in place, or even you have wondered what you should do in similar situations.

Church of Living Water doesn't have many staff policies which are "law".  Instead, we are governed by the injunction to live a life of godliness above reproach remembering that, in every circumstance, we are ambassadors for Christ and for the church (uh, we believe this about our members as well, not just the staff!)

Given that there is a certain "freedom" to navigate various situations we might encounter.  As a single woman, and one who works closely with many married men, my position in navigating these situation is unique. So I wanted to give you thoughts about how I relate to the opposite gender.

1.  Safety first.  I begin with the attitude that it is my responsibility to a) first guard my own reputation, b) guard the reputation of my male co-workers.  Therefore, I will avoid any circumstance which puts anyone in a dangerous position.

For example, I once had an office without a window in the door.  I was relentless about getting a hole cut in that door.  I have nothing to hide, and I want to prove it.

I also will not meet with a man by myself (this is one of the few "laws" we do have as staff) with the exception of staff members.  And when meeting with male staff members, it is always in a open location, known by assistants, with a safety window and/or an a door ajar.

2.  There is safety in numbers.  This is just good discipleship, but seek to bring someone else in to the meeting, trip, etc. 

3.  Know the boundaries.  Working with married men and couples, I make it an point know their policy.  If we are traveling, I ask them what their "car policy" is (many churches have a point blank no riding in cars with members of the opposite sex.)  When I hear the policy, I respect and follow it.  If their policy allows for me to ride in the car with them (or if they have never thought about having a policy) I strongly encourage that they call their spouse and tell them what is happening (i.e. we are driving to this meeting.)  There have been times where a male staff member and I literally drove two separate cars to the same meeting, following one another the whole way.  [And this was aokay because that was he and his spouse's policy!]

4.  Don't be a threat. I can't think of a better way to say this, other than you must determine in your heart that you will guard your fellow workers.  This means I consider how I dress, what I say, and how I act.  As a single woman who works with many men, one very practical thing that I INTENTIONALLY do is to work at building a relationship with all the wives of my co-workers.  Even though I am shy, I make sure that I interact with them and build at least a basic relationship with them.  First, they are wonderful people.  Second, making sure they know me let's them see my heart towards their spouse and family.  (BTW, I do this with their children as well.) 

I'm sure there is more which could be said on this topic, but these are just some practical things that I do as a single woman to ensure that my relationships are above reproach.

This became oh-so-real a few years back when my Mother received a frantic call from one of her friends.  This friend was very concerned and needed to tell my Mother right away that she has see my Father driving around town with a younger woman.  My Mother paused and considered the time and date of the "incident."  Turns out that younger woman was me!  My Father and I had been running errands together (and my Mother knew what we were doing.)  Yet it became clear how rumors can be started!

If you have questions, comments, or thoughts on this topic, please let me know!

Is This My Problem?

I can't decide.

Single Advice from Pastor Perry

Here is an excerpt from a message by Pastor Perry Noble of New Spring.  Perry is a straight talker if ever there was one.  What do you think about his advice?  See my comments below.

Beautiful_02- Single Guys Outtake from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

I resonate with much of what he says.  I'm all about intentionality and saying what you mean.  I do think that "Christian Eunuchs" can be an issue in the church.  (Hello!  What was one of the sins of Adam but not speaking up when he should of!)

So while I heartily say "You go guys", let me make a few comments to the gender category I represent.

Girls, we have not done ourselves any favors in this category.  While I'm not advocating that we should settle girls, but if men can be eunuchs, well we can be ....well, let me see...I can't write the word that I'm thinking of. 

How many times have you treated a fellow brother like a piece of meat to be evaluated and compared to others out there?  How often have you judged the outside looks without considering the character inside?  Or worse, how often have you never even given the character a chance to been seen?

Girls, our own warped ideas of "perfection" can trap us.  I suggest that one of the ways we can build up the Christian men in our lives is to actually say "yes" to them.  Again, I'm not suggesting settling (though usually what we settle for is something far less than godly character!)  But accepting an invitation to coffee doesn't mean you give away anything!  And if there is no chemistry there...well help a brother out and gently explain ways that he can grow in grace.  But do it nicely...think about 1 Thess 5:11.

Those are my thoughts.  Both genders are welcomed to comment.

video clip supplied by Tony Morgan.

Adding to My List

Admit it singles - we all have our list of what we are looking for in a possible mate. I don't know about you, but my list doesn't have as many physcial qualifications, but is more focused on characer - topping the list are kindness and leadership.

But after watching this video, I decided to add good spelling to my list.  Watch it and you will see why.

glumbert - A Warthog Emergency

Source: Monday Morning Insight

Two Signs of a Healthy Church...

are sexual immorality and heresy. 

Yeah, you read that right.  Now, before you click off my blog forever and erase my subscription from your RSS feeder (yeah, I'm speaking to all 14 of you)...let me put this into context for you.

This quote comes from an article called "Meat Market Ministries" (Do I have your attention now?)  It's about Mosaic church and their philosophy of ministry.  The average age of Mosaic attendees is 21 and 80% of them are single.

Here's the quote in context: 

"The leaders of Mosaic have said many times that two signs of a healthy church are sexual immorality and heresy.  This means that any healthy church is reaching out to people who are sexually immoral and heretics.  Put another way, when you engage a sinful world, you attract people who are full of sin."

This is a GREAT article which really challenges the current perspective of "singles groups"...  You see, the current trend in singles ministries is that they are a good, safe place to meet other Christian singles.  In short, it's a "meat market"...but a "Christian" one.  The only problem with this is that when you are trying to find a good date, you immediately put limits on your inclusiveness and out reach.

"In singles ministry, the object of the game is often to get married and get out, rather than to steward your life as passionately and potently as possible to a world that desperately needs it."

WOW!  That's an amazing perspective.  I'm not saying that I believe in "missionary dating"...nor is the article suggesting this.  In fact, the article suggests that often the church is guilty of elevating marriage or the pursuit of marriage before a life lived in godly "stewardship."

Now before you freak out (once more), hear me when I say that I'm an almost 40 never-been-married single who struggles with all the implications of my reality in both my secular culture and my church culture.  I've walked some miles in moccasins that most people don't understand.  I firmly support fervent prayer, intentional pursuit, and active participation in finding a mate.  I have a "yes" policy to dating. 

That being said, I believe that I won't die if I never marry.  I don't believe marriage and sex are "rights", but privileges that God may or may not have in store for me. 

But seeking first His Kingdom, proclaiming His name, and sharing the bread of the gospel is my responsibility...even in the midst of my singleness.

I want that to be the heart of my singles group.

Read the full article here and tell me what you think. 

Hmmm...I think I need more sinners and heretics in my small group!

Two signs of a healthy singles group:  service and evangelism.

Props to MMI for the tip and check out this blog for more thoughts.

Dating Advice from D-Ray

This is the funniest thing I seen in a while.

I'm all in favor of CCOTB!

Source:  Herschel Tompson